Cupid

 Fuck, how do I even begin... 

I'm forced to let tiny drops of words, one at a time, when there's an entire ocean of feelings, swirling violently within me...

 This is it. I won. I found her. 

In the most unexpected —in a way— place I could; a dating site. 

The intro...

It's been a couple of years (maybe a little more) since I got a new phone and I downloaded FB on it. Then I saw the "Facebook Dating" section and I was like "Meh, what do I have to lose? I'm just gonna make a profile, probably scroll a bit through other profiles and that's it..." I would leave it there, rarely checking it. I did get to talk with a couple of girls but nothing serious, casual talk and that's it. I honestly didn't have high hopes for something good. 

Then I got the idea; Why don't I try a few more "serious" sites? I would make an account on one site, browse a bit, maybe try sending a message or two, but it would still feel stupid and I would always end up deleting my profile. 

This would go on with two more sites... Make account, write info, browse, send a couple of messages, delete account. I was getting kinda bored and a bit self-conscious, also my confidence would get slightly affected. 

And then came Okcupid. 

I would do the usual stuff, write a bit about me, answer some questions about my preferences, set up location and stuff... If I want to be completely honest, I didn't join in any of this for hookups. I only wanted to communicate, to feel the presence of a woman —even from a monitor— to share opinions and have some sort of connection... 

So, it's been about a week or so, give or take, and even though my "Likes" would go up (some could've been bots, I know how these sites work most of the time, especially when it comes to luring men) I still didn't feel like it. I've also found a way to see through the source code the girls that would like me, but that didn't make any difference; I'd find them, check their profile and remain unaffected. All that until...  

20/5/2023

Dawn of Saturday, and I'm messing around on my pc... I couldn't and didn't want to sleep, as usual... I opened the app. I remember standing there looking at my monitor, thinking about it... I was kinda sad with the whole experience, so I decided to eventually delete that profile as well and stop this whole thing once and for all.

But... 

One last like popped up about 2-3 seconds before I click "Delete/Disable account"...

I thought to myself, "oh well, let's check this one as well and be done with it," so I open the source done and find the last blurred photo that was from the last person who liked me.

...then...

I saw her face for the first time... 

I liked her appearance, however not in the normal way; It felt familiar, like I've seen her, somehow met her before. Nonetheless, I immediately went to the recommended section and quickly "Passed" every random girl, cause even though I knew I could go back one profile, in case I skip her by accident, I had only once chance. 

...I found her.

I found her profile... 

Her face got my curiosity, but her bio got my attention... "Sweet", "loving", "caring", "loyal"... Any girl could write that for any reason, but something inside me made me press the "Like" and we got matched... I didn't want to lose time; I rushed to messages and wrote the most idiotic thing I could think at the moment:

Is it too sad to say I'd be kind of "hurt" if she'd turn out to be an actual bot? Of course she didn't actually reassured me with that kind of response but it was a responce no matter what! So, I did something I'd never think of doing that easily, without talking for awhile first; I asked for her instagram, to see if she is actually who she claimed to be. To my surprise she quickly gave it to me and I somehow (more to come about that somehow later) felt confident to start a conversation. No awkward pauses, no time wasted, we would talk non-stop about some of our life experiences, our taste in things, what we want... It crossed my mind that someone is pranking me, cause I would hear all I wanted to hear. Everything was perfect... like her... 

She proposed to switch to Instagram and I agreed, even if I wasn't actually confident using it that well back then, as I didn't really know how to actually use it. 

We would talk and talk for three hours and the more we'd talk, the more I'd slowly fall... It might sound funny and stupid to some but I don't care at all. I'd been alone for many years, I've learned to live with it and a normal conversation could never have such a strong impact to me if I didn't feel that's special and —my god— it felt just that. I'd catch myself smiling like an idiot in front of the dim light of the monitor up to the moment the morning sun would slowly and hesitantly shine through the curtains of the window. But the true light that would shine on me was the one coming from her. She would push away the darkness from the room and reveal it's colors. I told her that I had to to sleep cause we'd have a family lunch later and I should've been in bed three hours ago. God knows how much I wanted to stay there, talking to her...

Later that day, we'd talk again. I wouldn't be completely honest if I didn't say that I was still kinda afraid that this was too good to be real, and I didn't want to think how devastating it would be to find out I was falling for a troll/catfish or someone who decided to pull a prank or me. My brother and our best friend was there with me, watching a movie at the same time. So at one point she asked me for a photo, cause she really loves my hair. I thought it of the perfect opportunity to see if she was actually her. Disclaimer: Ok I obviously believed it was her to a degree but still, it would feel so perfect to be true and I would have my doubts (sorry love)... 

I told her that I wanted a photo of hers first, with my name written on her hand, to be convinced... She did sent it but it was only her hand on the photo! 🤣

I replied by saying I want to see her face with it, too. Kinda bold of me to have such demands, one would say... 

And she did...

I saw her cute face, smiling, with her hand on the side and my name written on it... My heart kinda melt, until I started feeling nervous cause I had to send one as well! Fuck, I looked like shit at the moment! I had to start brushing my hair and look somewhat decent, find a pen to do the same thing with her name (and I couldn't find one!) so a few moments of inner screams of panic took place while looking extremely calm. I ripped a piece of paper, wrote her name with a pencil on it and tried to take a decent photo of my while holding it. Took a few tries but I managed to get a... photo gracefully clasified as "meh". But lo and behold, she liked it... I was halfway convinced now of her, but in my mind a little demon would still linger, whispering in my head... "what if someone would put her through that shit just for laughs?"

We'd talk and talk about lot's of stuff and I could feel falling harder, stronger... I knew she really liked me too, I could feel that and I would even go as far as to say she was falling too... At one point I told her about Discord and that it would be better If we can talk from there, no cameras or anything, just so I can hear her and be a little more sure of her, besides it would be easier. I'd assume she had an account cause she told me she used to play games, but she didn't had one. I gave her the link just in case she decides to download it, but didn't think she would, until a few hours later where she would tell me by herself hat she's actually downloaded it! As if I wasn't already flying high from joy just by talking with her. I guided her through some stuff, sent her an invitation to my server. What I didn't really expect was for her to join (even if accidentally) one of the rooms! Needless to say I panicked a little cause it caught me completely off guard! 🤣

I waited for a few seconds, I took a deep breath and joined. As soon as I heard her cute voice, I melted... She told me she did clicked by mistake and I did my best not to sound like a fucking stressed teen! We had to close however, yet this random and brief call only made me anticipate our next talk even more...

21/5/2023

I won't say much about this day or go into details cause this is between me and her, but what I can share is that it's the day we both expressed how we feel from our long talks and the things we discuss... This is the day we opened up completely. The day we absolutely knew that we are meant for each other... 

It's been two months and four days since then and my feelings grow stronger by the day, even if we had our ups and downs, like everyone does.

People can say that it's impossible to be like that in such a small time, or without meeting the other in person. People can also can go fuck themselves (did you guys missed some oldschool Nick?) when they try to determine how you are supposed to feel and act. I couldn't care less about their opinions.

When you're at my age, you know yourself, what you want, what to believe, what you feel.

I decided to give my all to her, as she did with me. 

I trust her and she trusts me. 

I love her and she loves me.

We are not perfect, but we are together. 

We help each other with our battles, our struggles.

We will fight. 

We will solve everything.

We are commited.

We are soulmates. 

We are one.

We are complete.

I thought I felt love before but this is beyond anything I've felt before. How do I know? How I am so certain?

Cause I can't think anything else besides her. 

Cause besides of what she might think of herself, I am going to stay beside her whatever shit might happen or throw at me. 

Cause she deserves all the love in the world and I'm about to give her that and even more. 

Cause if you would ask me of a thing I don't like about her, I have nothing to say. 

Cause she is strong and determined and you can see that in her eyes and in her actions. 

Cause her life made her a true fighter and I don't know a person I admire more than her. 

Cause she knows how to love and it's the first time in my life that I can feel it, even through a monitor.

Cause even if she is tired, she does everything in her powers to be there for me. 

Cause even if I act like an asshole sometimes because I have shit that come to the surface once in a while, she always understands and does her best to calm me down. 

Cause even when it's not easy, she's willing to put her trust on me and take risks for me. 

Cause she respects me and treats me better than anyone else before.

Cause she is genuine, kind and sincere, loyal and caring and she'll show it as much as she can...

Because every detail about her is like a miracle to behold... 

Her heartmelting smile that gets me every single time, 

her kind eyes when she's looking at me, 

her mannerisms when she's annoyed or pleased, 

her laugh from the stupid reels I'd send her that feeds my heart with joy,

 the way she moves her hands as she's eating or drinking coffee, 

or her arms when she needs to stretch, 

when her hair fall as she takes of the headphones, 

her voice as she sings the songs we play on discord

and how peaceful she looks when she sleeps...

That's how I know.

And that's why she's gonna be my wife.

Mahal na mahal kita...

Nagi akong nandito para sayo...

And god, I love your smile so much...